Baby Ella-Not Here But Never Forgotten

Ella's Name in the Sand

Baby Ella's due date is today. A lot has happened since we lost her in August, the biggest event, of course, being our adoption of Caden. One thing that's been really hard since the adoption is that people act as though Caden's arrival negates the pain of three miscarriages. Don't get me wrong. I love Caden-adore him with all of my heart. That little man already has me wrapped around his chubby little finger. Nonetheless, having Caden doesn't make Ella's due date any less difficult. One child cannot replace another.

If you have never experienced a miscarriage, please hear me on that: one child cannot replace another. That rainbow baby can fill your life with joy. He can give you hope that God does still care about your pain. He can brighten your day with his toothless grin. But he can't-no matter how perfect he is-replace the baby (or in our case, babies) you lost. 

So today, on the day I should be holding Ella, I'm instead writing her a letter and hoping her Heavenly Father will read it to her:

Sweet Ella,
Today is the day you were supposed to be born. Today is the day your daddy and I were supposed to see you for the first time. I'm so sorry I wasn't able to carry you longer than 8 weeks. But on the other hand, I'm so thankful that you never had to experience any pain on this earth. You went straight from my womb into Jesus' arms. I love you, baby, and I can't wait to hold you in my arms someday. Keep your big brothers or sisters in line until we meet again. I love you always and will never-I promise you-forget you.

Until that day,
Mommy