Having a Rough Day

I haven't had a rough day in awhile, so I guess it's time. I think it's been building for awhile. I want so much to be content and happy. We have been so blessed in the last few months. But I can't ignore the hurt that still lives in my heart. I just miss my babies. No other way to describe it. And I'm petrified of another miscarriage when we decide to try again. What if I'm never ever to carry a baby to term again? How am I ever supposed to get to a place that I'm okay with that? This isn't how it's supposed to be. Not for us. Not for anyone.

I know I've posted this song before, but it just fits today. (The second video is a little bit longer but explains the backstory of the video.)

Baby Ella-Not Here But Never Forgotten

Ella's Name in the Sand

Baby Ella's due date is today. A lot has happened since we lost her in August, the biggest event, of course, being our adoption of Caden. One thing that's been really hard since the adoption is that people act as though Caden's arrival negates the pain of three miscarriages. Don't get me wrong. I love Caden-adore him with all of my heart. That little man already has me wrapped around his chubby little finger. Nonetheless, having Caden doesn't make Ella's due date any less difficult. One child cannot replace another.

If you have never experienced a miscarriage, please hear me on that: one child cannot replace another. That rainbow baby can fill your life with joy. He can give you hope that God does still care about your pain. He can brighten your day with his toothless grin. But he can't-no matter how perfect he is-replace the baby (or in our case, babies) you lost. 

So today, on the day I should be holding Ella, I'm instead writing her a letter and hoping her Heavenly Father will read it to her:

Sweet Ella,
Today is the day you were supposed to be born. Today is the day your daddy and I were supposed to see you for the first time. I'm so sorry I wasn't able to carry you longer than 8 weeks. But on the other hand, I'm so thankful that you never had to experience any pain on this earth. You went straight from my womb into Jesus' arms. I love you, baby, and I can't wait to hold you in my arms someday. Keep your big brothers or sisters in line until we meet again. I love you always and will never-I promise you-forget you.

Until that day,
Mommy

What NOT to Say After a Miscarriage

This topic continues to be one the primary searches that leads people to my blog. Because of this, I wanted to re-post a couple of articles I wrote last year about what not to say and what to say after someone has a miscarriage. This one was originally posted on  June 29, 2011, shortly before our third miscarriage. I hope it helps you as you talk with your friends who have experienced a miscarriage.

What NOT to Say After a Miscarriage:

1. God needed your child more than you did. (Really? Because that would make Him a really weak God?)

Our Adoption Story

Years ago, I listened in on a workshop about adoption. At that time, though, I didn't really think adoption was something my future held. After all, I had heard about how expensive it can be, and I knew we couldn't afford to adopt unless God did some major work ahead of time.

Then, after our third miscarriage, while in the middle of fertility testing, my husband and I were approached about possibly adopting a baby boy that was due in a couple of months. To say we were overwhelmed was an understatement.

To All Miscarriage Survivors

This blog has been therapy for me. It's been a place where I can be completely honest (or at least, pretty much completely honest). And I truly believe God has used it to help heal my heart. For me, just getting my thoughts out there helped tremendously.

Because of this, I've been thinking that maybe other miscarriage survivors want a place to share too. Maybe you miscarried years ago and never really shared your story with anyone. Or maybe your loss is recent. Regardless of when your miscarriage was, I want to open my blog up for you. I want this to be a place for you to share your story-completely anonymous or with your name attached (whatever you prefer).

If this is something you might be interested in doing, please either leave a comment here or contact me through Facebook, Twitter or email. I'm not looking for anything in particular-no word counts to worry about or wisdom I'm looking to find. I simply want to offer you the chance to share your story. No strings attached. It helped me to share mine, and I pray it helps you too.