Wednesday, June 29, 2011

What Not To Say After a Miscarriage

Allow me to give a disclaimer: If you think you said one of these things to me or Keith after our miscarriage, please don't feel guilty. Don't beat yourself up about it. Believe me, I know your heart. I know that everything you said was from a heart of love. And with the intention of encouraging me. I hesitated to write this post because I didn't want to make anyone feel guilty. Our family and friends have been phenomenal. We are blessed. Nonetheless, I feel called to help people understand what someone goes through after a miscarriage. My hope is that, even if you said the wrong thing to me, this post will keep you from saying the wrong thing to someone else. That being said, let's proceed...

What NOT to Say After a Miscarriage:

1. God needed your child more than you did. (Really? Because that would make Him a really weak God?)

2. You just have to trust His plans. God knows what he is doing. (Though true, it's not really helpful.)
3. At least you have one child already. (Just because I have one child doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to lose another-though I will admit Rylan helped tremendously with our miscarriages.)

4. You'll have another. Don't worry. (And what happens if we can't? Who knows? This miscarriage might be because of a problem that will haunt me for years.)

5. You have to trust God's timing. (Again, this is true. But it's not really helpful. It makes me think that God is up there, zapping my uterus just because it's not his time yet.)

Any others? What has someone said to you in the midst of your grief that (though said with the best of intentions) wasn't helpful?

Next week, I'll write about what you should say after a miscarriage. Stay tuned.


  1. just recently: you need to find closure. Sure, I'd love to. My due date is approaching and it's been hard. I wanted to ask her: Any idea how? They made me kill my baby and getting over that, especially when facing the reality that getting pregnant again isn't proving to be easy, isn't something I know how to do.

  2. Wow. It amazes me what people will say, especially when they have no idea what you're going through. I'm so sorry.

    When was your due date? Our first miscarriage due date was last April. It was really tough. I'll be praying for you in the months ahead.

  3. I am not sure my actual date (I knew it once but I am trying not to dwell on it) but it was mid July.

  4. in this gal's defense she is pregnant and feels uncomfortable around me because of it, particularly because I have been vocal about my struggle (in writing). The thing is, no one pregnant mom or new baby hurts or causes me discomfort. Just seeing them (in general) makes the pain real again.

  5. Here's some... "the rx drug you took in early pregnancy killed it. It gave the baby a heart attack." (seriously? I'm not sure the heart had started beating yet)
    "are you going to try for anymore? You are over 40 and your eggs are old." (hmmm... I don't care who you are it's none of your business. Besides its not a puppy. Heck, I wouldn't even ask that upon the death of a pet)