Wednesday, September 14, 2011

When Everyone Is Having a Baby Except You

God is funny sometimes. Last week, after an especially emotional day, I wrote a post about what it feels like when God seems to answer everyone's prayers but your own. Then, right before I went to bed that night, I decided to read a chapter of a book called Plan B: What Do You Do When God Doesn't Show Up The Way You Thought He Would? by Pete Wilson. As you might have already guessed, God worked on my heart through that chapter.

I'm still going to post my original words, though. Maybe then, if you are feeling as if God doesn't care about you, you'll see yourself in my words and be (even if only slightly) encouraged that there's hope for you too...That being said, here is my original post...

My brother and sister-in-law had a baby last week. Along with them, it seems that 90 percent of the people I know are either pregnant or just had a baby. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to have a new niece. (And she is absolutely adorable, if I do say so myself). And I'm happy for all of my pregnant friends.

Nonetheless, seeing everyone else's carefree pregnancies and deliveries is a constant reminder that we aren't pregnant and will likely never again have a carefree pregnancy. Even if we are able to get pregnant again, and even if we do make it past week 12, I still don't think I'll be able to relax in the oblivious peace that accompanies a woman who has never miscarried.

I'm happy for my friends and family, but sometimes I still wonder why.

Why do some people have four healthy pregnancies in a row when other people (like myself) have three back-to-back miscarriages?

When I first started this blog, I promised myself one thing: that I would always be honest. So as much as I hate to be negative, I assume that if I'm feeling these emotions, there are many other women who have felt the exact same way.

If you've never miscarried or struggled with infertility, it might be difficult to understand how hard it is for us to hear pregnancy announcements. But believe me, it can be excruciating. Not because we're not happy for you, but because it's just another reminder that God isn't giving us similar blessings. Maybe it's a Facebook status update announcing a pregnancy. Maybe it's an ultrasound or pregnancy picture. Maybe it's a friend from high school telling you she's pregnant again, this time with her boyfriend's baby.

At times it almost feels like God is completely ignoring our prayers while giving children to people who don't even want them. Abortions happen all over our country every single day when women who don't want babies get pregnant. It's just hard to understand why God, who I believe is the Creator of life, will give babies to these women but not to me.

When thinking logically, I know God has blessed me much more than I deserve. And I know I should be happy that he's at least given me one living child. But I still wonder what I'm doing wrong. Why won't God fill my empty arms with the baby I so want to hold? Why can't I have the happy pregnancy now? Haven't I suffered enough?


And that was how my original post ended. I'd like to change the ending just a bit now that I've read that chapter. I still think it's unfair that we've lost three babies. I'm still hurt, confused, mad, and wondering why. I still feel somewhat abandoned by God. But today, I am choosing to believe this one truth: that God is with me. Even when I can't feel his presence. Even when my circumstances tell me otherwise. He is still present. And he still cares.


  1. Sometimes we need to be pissed that sin exists. It is more the fault of man that we chose to sin in the garden than that God gave us our miscarriage. After Gala and I gave birth to our miscarried child, I wasn't mad at God. I took hope in the fact that my child was in heaven and my limited mind can't wrap around the idea that heaven is a better place than earth. That my baby (although not what I want) would much rather be with Jesus than be here. I think of the song "if you could see me now." and it reminds me that it is impossible for us to understand why God alows things to happen because we are finite beings that don't understand one ounce of the fullness of God. His thoughts are far above our thoughts. If we could see our children or even heaven for that matter, it would make so much more sense why sin sucks so bad and why God needs to come ASAP. I understand that feeling of pain and loss all too well. Holding my miscarried little boy after she gave birth to him was a feeling I hope to never feel again. However, my hurt isn't directed at God. I don't question why he allowed it to happen. Instead my hurt is directed toward sin, and the fact that it exists. If it weren't for sin, there would be no fallen world. No Tornadoes, Sunamis, Birth defects, death or miscarriages. Sin is the one to blame and therefore our hope of God coming back and rescuing us from the sin of this world (that we create) is the only thing I can hold on to.

    God please come back soon and remove the sin of this world, help us to understand our broken situation and our need for you. Let us look to you in the midst of the fruit of sin. Let the results of sin make us long for your enternal presence and the return of your son all the more.


  2. Lindsey,
    I love this post. It is so true. It is so hard. I had a really hard week. One of my good friends told me that she was pregnant. I was really excited for her, happy to hear about how she told her husband, happy to hear her birthing plan, happy to hear the excitement in her voice. I brought her a bag of goodies and constantly bring her water at work. After getting home that night I had a complete breakdown. I was so angry at God, and then even more mad at myself for being mad at God. I cried and could not stop. My husband told me that it was ok to feel sad and angry at God and that God was sad with me.

    It really challenged my faith and also my own strength. I really only had my husband to talk to about my feelings.

    The day we found out that we had lost our second pregnancy was the same day we found out that we would have another addition to the family. My husbands brother was expecting his second child. I was so hurt, we couldn't even have one and other people were having multiple healthy happy pregnancies. I prayed that I would have morning sickness when we do finally get pregnant for the reassurance that it decreases your odds of miscarrying. I am so anxious about future pregnancies, like you mentioned above, I think I will worry at everything. Each funny feeling, each small cramp is the possibility of another loss. I am unsure how to make this feeling go away. I love for the simplicity and bliss that I see so many of my friends have. I see my friends sharing their birth announcements immediately and I am even more petrified. I don't want anyone to know about our pregnancy for fear of losing it soon afterwards.

    Its such a heavy feeling to have weighing my heart down.

    I am going to look into the book you mentioned. I feel like God has been really using me a lot lately in other peoples lives. Maybe that is what he wanted me to do. I am really trying to work on my own relationship with him and on my faith in goodness.

    I will pray for you and your family Lindsey. Your words are such a blessing to me, thank you for being so honest, so open, and so willing to share your life with so many. You are a blessing to know.