God is funny sometimes. Last week, after an especially emotional day, I wrote a post about what it feels like when God seems to answer everyone's prayers but your own. Then, right before I went to bed that night, I decided to read a chapter of a book called Plan B: What Do You Do When God Doesn't Show Up The Way You Thought He Would? by Pete Wilson. As you might have already guessed, God worked on my heart through that chapter.
I'm still going to post my original words, though. Maybe then, if you are feeling as if God doesn't care about you, you'll see yourself in my words and be (even if only slightly) encouraged that there's hope for you too...That being said, here is my original post...
My brother and sister-in-law had a baby last week. Along with them, it seems that 90 percent of the people I know are either pregnant or just had a baby. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to have a new niece. (And she is absolutely adorable, if I do say so myself). And I'm happy for all of my pregnant friends.
Nonetheless, seeing everyone else's carefree pregnancies and deliveries is a constant reminder that we aren't pregnant and will likely never again have a carefree pregnancy. Even if we are able to get pregnant again, and even if we do make it past week 12, I still don't think I'll be able to relax in the oblivious peace that accompanies a woman who has never miscarried.
I'm happy for my friends and family, but sometimes I still wonder why.
Why do some people have four healthy pregnancies in a row when other people (like myself) have three back-to-back miscarriages?
When I first started this blog, I promised myself one thing: that I would always be honest. So as much as I hate to be negative, I assume that if I'm feeling these emotions, there are many other women who have felt the exact same way.
If you've never miscarried or struggled with infertility, it might be difficult to understand how hard it is for us to hear pregnancy announcements. But believe me, it can be excruciating. Not because we're not happy for you, but because it's just another reminder that God isn't giving us similar blessings. Maybe it's a Facebook status update announcing a pregnancy. Maybe it's an ultrasound or pregnancy picture. Maybe it's a friend from high school telling you she's pregnant again, this time with her boyfriend's baby.
At times it almost feels like God is completely ignoring our prayers while giving children to people who don't even want them. Abortions happen all over our country every single day when women who don't want babies get pregnant. It's just hard to understand why God, who I believe is the Creator of life, will give babies to these women but not to me.
When thinking logically, I know God has blessed me much more than I deserve. And I know I should be happy that he's at least given me one living child. But I still wonder what I'm doing wrong. Why won't God fill my empty arms with the baby I so want to hold? Why can't I have the happy pregnancy now? Haven't I suffered enough?
And that was how my original post ended. I'd like to change the ending just a bit now that I've read that chapter. I still think it's unfair that we've lost three babies. I'm still hurt, confused, mad, and wondering why. I still feel somewhat abandoned by God. But today, I am choosing to believe this one truth: that God is with me. Even when I can't feel his presence. Even when my circumstances tell me otherwise. He is still present. And he still cares.