Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Dealing with Pregnant Friends after a Miscarriage

Many of my friends are pregnant. One thing I've noticed about having a miscarriage is that it can create awkwardness. People don't know what to say. They wonder if they should just avoid the topic, or maybe avoid me altogether. This is especially a struggle for pregnant women.

I wanted to write this post for two reasons: 1) To help someone going through a miscarriage and 2) To help their pregnant friends know what to say.

If you're going through a miscarriage, be patient with yourself. Everyone handles it differently. For me, it was better to maintain contact with all of my friends-pregnant or not. I needed the support. I had already lost a child. I didn't want to lose a friend too. But I know of other women who couldn't be around pregnant people after they miscarried. It was just too hard. If this is you, that's okay too (although I do think it would be helpful to send them an email and explain why you need some space. Otherwise, they might not understand and feel hurt or angry). When we miscarried, I sent an email to every one of my pregnant friends. It was one of the hardest messages I've ever written, but I'm so glad I did it. In the email, I told them I was still happy for them even though I was hurting. And I told them how I wanted them to help. Be specific. Your friends love you. They want to do whatever is best for you. But they won't know what that is if you don't tell them.

If you're pregnant and have a friend who miscarried, my advice to you is this: ask her what she needs. If it's space, give her space. If it's words of encouragement, send her a card or call her. Don't be offended if she cries around you. It's not you that upsets her, but the reminder of her loss. And most importantly, don't give up on her. She might not act like herself. She's hurting. She's broken. Love her anyway.

My family and friends (both those who are pregnant and those who aren't) have done that for me. Do it for her too. She needs it.


  1. thankfully I don't have a lot of friends around me who are expecting, but facebook is horrible. I have a lot of college buddies who are now expecting, and are due in July (my due date would have been early July). WHenver they post something, I don't cry per se, but it's like a stab in the gut.

  2. It is weird for me. I already have 3 children and I was once a surrogate. I actually had signed papers to have my tubes tied with my last child, but she was 5 weeks early and insurance would not allow the procedure. I was dead set on NOT having any more kids. 4 pregnancies...all them on bed-rest also. I was DONE. But 4 months ago I found out I was pregnant again with my new fiance. We were excited! Also, his daughter, who I am close with found out she was pregnant at the same time. We both had the same due date...we were both exactly 6 weeks to the day. The thing is, I had a miscarriage. I was devastated, and only a handful of people knew. Four of my friends just had babies, and 4 others are pregnant with due dates close to mine. It is hard for me when I am around them or see posts on fb. It is especially hard when I see or speak to my step-daughter. I still give her advice. I know when the baby is born, her father and I will be there. I still get sad, and I worry that I am going to be emotional about my loss when her little one comes. To add insult to injury, my fiance doesn't want another one. My three are enough; he is 43 and I am 33. He doesn't want us to be old with a kid still in the house. I get it, and I was once on the same page. It is just hard. I feel the loss, like there is a void. One minute I was going to have a baby and the next minute having a horrible painful miscarriage. No baby. And I totally agree with MommaHarms on how it feels like being stabbed in the gut when I see other women pregnant or making posts about their pregnancies or newborns. I get upset and angry when my fiance and I discuss either me tying off my tubes or him getting a vasectomy. I know I am in my birthing golden years, and I should be happy with what I have. I just really need God to work in me to change my heart. Put it back to where it was before the miscarriage.