Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Time to Be Real

I think it's time I get real with my readers. I've struggled these past few weeks. I don't exactly know why. Maybe it's because I should be 20 weeks now, which is a milestone in any pregnancy. Maybe it's because all my pregnant friends are showing now. Maybe it's because of the holidays. Or maybe it's because I'm scared. I think more than anything else, fear is the culprit.

I'm petrified we won't be able to get pregnant soon. Or that if we do get pregnant, we'll lose another baby. Keith assures me that even if that did happen, we would get through it. He's probably right. But I just don't want to do it again. More than that, I don't think I can do it again. I'm not the same person I was three months ago. I'm broken now. My fragile heart doesn't want to hurt anymore. All I'm asking for is a carefree pregnancy-no scares at 21 weeks like we had with Rylan, no miscarriages. I just want to not be afraid-to go through a pregnancy without worrying.

I know I'm not supposed to fear-that God is bigger than everything I'm afraid of-but I think I need to be honest. I am afraid. I don't want to be, but I am. Maybe by saying it out loud, it'll go away... or at least shrink.

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