Holidays are hard. I think it's because I have this idea in my head that they're supposed to be joyful. No sadness, no pain, all smiles. Now that I've lost a child, my outlook on holidays is different. Yes, I'm still happy for the family I have. I'm still excited about seeing those I haven't seen in awhile. I'm still glad we get to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. But now there's someone missing at every holiday gathering. Every picture we take is a reminder that she's not in it. And never will be.
This Christmas was especially difficult. When we first found out we were pregnant, I looked at a calendar to see when we would know the gender-the middle of December. Perfect timing! I planned to tell everyone at Christmas. I even thought about doing some special announcement (like getting a cake with either pink or blue inside-they wouldn't know until we cut it). That didn't happen this year. . . obviously. I wish it would have. Instead of digging into what I think would have been pink cake, I had to fight back Christmas tears all weekend. So to my family who loved me even when I wasn't my normal self, thank you. And I'm sorry. I hope to be normal again someday.