At church this morning, our speaker read the epitaphs of twin children, both of whom died at two years old, one day apart. Their headstones read, "Only God Understands."
I couldn't help but think of Eden. I know I'll probably never understand why she didn't survive, why God didn't keep her alive or at least allow us the opportunity to know if she was a boy or girl. I wish I could have known that. I should be almost 20 weeks now (which is the time when parents are able to find out the gender of their babies). I had originally planned to tell everyone at Christmas if we were having a boy or a girl. Now I'll never know. At least not on this side of eternity.
I've heard people say that the holidays are always hard after a loss. Now I understand what they mean. I wanted to be thankful this weekend. I know I have plenty to be thankful for. But something inside of me just felt empty. I should be showing now, right in the middle of the "honeymoon" portion of pregnancy. I should be buying decorations for the baby's room, maybe even looking at Baby Name books. Instead, I'm trying to explain to my toddler why there's not a baby in mommy's belly anymore.
I see now why the mother of twins chose those words for her baby's tombstones. Death is confusing, and we will never understand why. But God does. Maybe someday, he'll explain it to us.
The sermon this morning got me thinking about epitaphs. Eden didn't have a funeral, so she doesn't have a tombstone. But if she did, I think I would want it to read: "Whole in the Arms of Jesus." Eden's not hurting anymore. Whatever it was that made her heart stop beating on this earth is gone now. She's whole. Complete. Without pain. And someday, I'll be whole again too. My heart won't hurt anymore. I won't feel empty. I won't cry every time I hear a certain song or see a newborn baby. Like Eden, I'll be whole in the arms of Jesus.
Hi Lindsey and Keith,
ReplyDeleteI found your blog from Jani's link to Eden Bell. I'm sorry to hear of your loss and am sorry about the pain that you are going through. I've experienced similar pain in my life. I'm sure that our Lord will carry you through this just as He carried me. My babies are also now safe and whole in the arms of Jesus waiting for me to arrive. I take comfort in knowing that some day I will go to them, just like King David said of his son when he died.
Thanks, Marcos. I really appreciate your kind words. The past month has been more difficult than I ever imagined. But we'll make it through. And I know somehow God is going to use this whole thing for good. I'm sorry to hear about your losses as well. I just prayed for you. God bless you and your family :)
ReplyDeleteLindsey - I was talking to your mom and asked her how you were doing. Just want you to know that I still think of you and Keith and grieve for your loss of Eden. A group that helped so much when we lost our 1st grandchild was M.E.N.D. (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death). Check out there web-site at http://www.mend.org/support/render.asp?content=home . They have a chapter in Springfield, MO. Meeting Location
ReplyDeleteProject Hope
1419 S Enterprise Ave
Springfield, MO 65804
The group is led by:
Heather Fann
Chapter Leader
200-M Westgate Parkway West
Amarillo, TX 79119
heather@mend.org
(417) 818-0489
We have attended two of their yearly remembrance services. They were GREAT! This group, (MEND), is what got our son, Jeff and his wife, Allison through their loss. If you need a model to form your group after, I don’t know of a better Christian group to imitate. Check it out, You may want to start a Chapter there at Carterville Christian.
Tell Keith Randa and I said HI and we send our love. - Gary