October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Would you take time this weekend to remember those of us who are grieving the babies we never got to hold? October 15th also marks a one year point for Keith and I. One year ago Saturday, we lost the first of our babies, thus beginning a walk I never wanted to take.
This year has been the most difficult year of my life. And though I'm most certainly not completely healed, I have learned a few things that I want to share with those of you who have walked with me this year:
1. Life sucks sometimes.
2. The fact that life sucks doesn't make God any less real or any less loving.
3. There are no easy answers to life's big questions.
4. Someday, God will make everything right. That day might not be on this side of heaven, but it will happen.
5. Sometimes there are no words to make something better.
6. It's better to just say, "I'm sorry" than to try to fix a problem that can't be fixed.
7. When someone has lost a loved one, there is no greater gift you can give them than the gift of remembering that special person.
8. God will use anything-even the most awful of circumstances-for the good if we allow him to use us.
9. Being honest with God will bring much quicker healing than pretending He didn't let you down.
10. God can heal even the most broken heart.
And one final lesson: No matter how much time passes, I will never forget about the babies I lost.
Eden, Jesse, and Ella,
I think of you every single day. You are my angels.
I want you three to know some things. First of all, I want you to know I'm sorry I wasn't able to carry you longer. I wish so much I could have felt you move. Or at least known if you were boys or girls. I can't wait for the day I get to see your smiling faces and introduce you to your older brother.
I also want you to know that I will always love you. You are my children, regardless of the fact I never got to hold you in my arms.
And finally, I want you to know that I'm okay. You don't have to worry about me anymore. As much as I wish you wouldn't have left me and as much as I miss you everyday, I know that it's all going to be okay. Maybe not today. Maybe not this year. Maybe not even on this side of heaven. But someday, God is going to make this whole thing right.
Until the day our family is whole again-and long after we've been reunited-I will love you.
This song is one that ministered to me after our first miscarriage. I still can't listen to it without crying. But it's so true. Someday, there will be no more crying. Someday, there will be no more hurt or pain. On that day, it'll all be okay.