Monday, November 1, 2010

What a Difference A Month Makes

Today is my follow up doctor appointment. I knew it would be difficult but wasn't expecting to already feel so anxious, two hours before the appointment. I don't know why it's so upsetting. It's not going to change anything. I'm still not pregnant. Eden is still gone. The facts remain the same.

I think maybe it's because after today (assuming the report is good), my body will officially be back to its pre-pregnant self. A couple of days ago, I thought I wanted my body to look normal again (and by normal, I mean not pregnant). I wanted the "baby bump" remains to disappear. I thought that if I didn't look pregnant, it wouldn't hurt so bad. But now, I don't know. Now, I just want to be pregnant again. I want to experience the joy of feeling a baby move within my belly. I want to experience the nausea, the heartburn, and all the other uncomfortableness of pregnancy. It's weird how my perspective has changed. A month ago, I was wishing for the nausea to go away. Now I want it back. What a difference a month makes...

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