God said no today. Again.
And it's okay. A week ago, I wouldn't have said that (I'm working on a post about anger, so you'll get to read about that soon). A week ago, I didn't think I could survive another loss. I didn't think I could trust a God who would take a second child away from me. One dead baby, I felt I could handle. Two, no way. But we are handling it. I don't want to. I wanted a miracle. I prayed for one. I somewhat believed God would give us one. But he didn't. He said no.
Thank you for praying. God answered your prayers-not how I wanted him to. But he answered. Maybe next time, he'll say yes.
If you're wondering about the specifics of the appointment, read on . . . Our ultrasound showed a smaller gestational sac than last week. And it appeared to be decomposing. During the ultrasound, I was having contractions. These contractions are my body's attempt to get my uterus cleaned out. There was still no sign of a baby. My doctor told me the baby probably died several weeks ago. It just took my body several weeks to recognize the loss. At this point, he thinks my body will pass everything within a week or two without any help from medicine. If for some reason it doesn't, I will go back in for anther appointment to discuss other options. He does not recommend any further testing since we have one healthy child and only two miscarriages. (Two is a lot to me, but I guess it doesn't necessitate further testing). Passing it naturally scares me. I hate to think about flushing my child down the toilet. So who knows how my emotions will hold up in the next few weeks? There you have it. At least we know for sure now . . .
I'm so sorry Lindsey. You will be in my prayers as you take this journey.
ReplyDeleteChoking back tears with you LIndsey. The loss of your baby will be evident and felt strongly in you. Keep imagining what your baby is doing at this moment - perhaps snuggled up in the arms of Jesus, getting to know Eden! It hurts you. You feel ripped apart. But, your baby is whole. Praying for you as you go through this river again.
ReplyDeleteWent through this once. It was agonizing, but it brought my husband and I closer to each other and to God. We are praying for you.
ReplyDeletei am so sad for you and your family. i had a miscarriage between my 2 girls and it was similar in how it happened to yours. i was 18 weeks along but the baby had stopped growing/living at about 16. i did pass it naturally, it started at home and then we rushed to the hospital because i was losing so much blood. my husband stayed in the lobby with our youngest, it was the middle of the night, and i remember the horror i felt with each contraction, and the feeling of being so alone. i just continued to call out to God. i felt so much guilt. i felt like i must have done something wrong. of course i didn't. but that does not make it any easier as you know. we were blessed with another daughter, but i was so scared that it would happen again. i was not really confident until i saw her healthy and in my arms. i pray the Lord continues to heal your body and your heart. i know with your gift of writing that these experiences, however confusing and horrific, will be used by God to bring healing and comfort to those in similar situations.
ReplyDeleteHaving had two miscarriages and a stillborn son at 23 weeks, my heart breaks for you and for all of us who are missing our babies tonight. Wishing you peace and healing.
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