God said no today. Again.
And it's okay. A week ago, I wouldn't have said that (I'm working on a post about anger, so you'll get to read about that soon). A week ago, I didn't think I could survive another loss. I didn't think I could trust a God who would take a second child away from me. One dead baby, I felt I could handle. Two, no way. But we are handling it. I don't want to. I wanted a miracle. I prayed for one. I somewhat believed God would give us one. But he didn't. He said no.
Thank you for praying. God answered your prayers-not how I wanted him to. But he answered. Maybe next time, he'll say yes.
If you're wondering about the specifics of the appointment, read on . . . Our ultrasound showed a smaller gestational sac than last week. And it appeared to be decomposing. During the ultrasound, I was having contractions. These contractions are my body's attempt to get my uterus cleaned out. There was still no sign of a baby. My doctor told me the baby probably died several weeks ago. It just took my body several weeks to recognize the loss. At this point, he thinks my body will pass everything within a week or two without any help from medicine. If for some reason it doesn't, I will go back in for anther appointment to discuss other options. He does not recommend any further testing since we have one healthy child and only two miscarriages. (Two is a lot to me, but I guess it doesn't necessitate further testing). Passing it naturally scares me. I hate to think about flushing my child down the toilet. So who knows how my emotions will hold up in the next few weeks? There you have it. At least we know for sure now . . .