Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Lesson I'm Still Struggling to Learn: It's Out of My Hands

After our first miscarriage, I thought I learned all that God wanted me to learn.

Then we miscarried again, and I was furious. One miscarriage was enough. Surely I didn't need a second.

But I think there was one thing I didn't learn with our first miscarriage: how to completely give up control. When we got pregnant again shortly after our first miscarriage, I tried to control the situation by holding up my end of the bargain with God. I was faithful and believed that God would come through for me. I assumed that since I believed (and did my part), he would do his part and carry this pregnancy to completion. As you know, he didn't.

I'll never probably understand all of the reasons why, but I do think one of the reasons is so that I would learn to give up control. Granted, it's still a struggle for me. I want to believe that I can do something to prevent another miscarriage-that if I just eat differently, avoid certain activities, pray hard enough, and believe strongly enough, we won't miscarry again. But I'm learning-more and more as each day passes-that I can't control it. Quite simply, it's out of my hands.

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