Three months ago, after our second miscarriage, I didn't think I would ever feel whole again. I cried a lot-and often for no apparent reason. My emotions were all over the place-from sadness to anger to regret to jealousy to fear. I remember telling a friend, "I'm afraid of the person I'm becoming. I don't want to be this bitter woman who is so blinded by her pain that she can't see the blessings in her life."
That was February.
It's May now. I'm still sad. I still cry often. But I think I'm whole again-or at least almost whole. Maybe the best way to describe it is this: I'm broken but slowly being put back together again by the Maker. I don't think I'll ever be the same person I was before our miscarriages. Loss changed me. To be honest, some of the changes irritate me. I wish I could go back to the carefree days, the days when I assumed all of my children would always be fine. I miss it.
But on the other hand, I'm looking forward to watching God put me back together. I'm looking forward to seeing how He uses this mess to help someone else.
I write all this for one reason: to give someone else a tiny flicker of hope. I remember feeling hopeless, wondering if I could ever be healed. If that's where you are right now, I want you to know that God can put you back together. It might take a lot of time. It might take professional counseling. (Someday, I want to write a post about this.) And it might suck for awhile (pardon my language, but I can think of no better way to describe it), but someday it will begin to suck less. And eventually, you'll get to where I am. Broken but on the mend.
I felt like a bitter, hopeless mess. The greatest blessing from our loss was that I came out with much more compassion for those in situations I didn't necessarily understand. You'll gain something. It'll be beautiful and wise. God is good to work in us and we reap the benefits when we are faithful.
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