Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Blaming Yourself After a Miscarriage

Two things my doctor told me after our miscarriages:
1) You couldn't have done anything to prevent this.
2) You didn't do anything to cause this.

He even made me repeat after him, "It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's not my fault." Nonetheless, even though I knew the facts, I still struggled to believe them.

I guess I just wanted to have someone to blame. I couldn't blame my husband. After all, he wasn't the one feeding the baby and carrying it around. I couldn't blame my doctor. He did all he could possibly do. And I didn't want to blame God. So who else was left other than myself?

If only I would have eaten healthier...
If only I would have rested more...
If only I wouldn't have stressed so much...
If only I would have prayed harder...
If only I would have believed or trusted more...

I don't know what your "if only" is, but I can promise you this. Your baby's death was NOT your fault.

If you're looking for someone to blame, blame Satan. After all, he is the one who brought death into our world. He is the one who brought tears, pain, and brokenness. Don't blame yourself. Don't blame your spouse. Don't blame God. Could God have done a miracle? Absolutely. Why didn't he? I wish I knew the answer to that. But death is never a part of God's plan, regardless of what some well-meaning person might have told you.

My doctor made me say the words, "It's not my fault." I'm going to take it a step further. I want you to do more than just say them. I want you to allow them into your heart. Forgive yourself. You are not the cause. You are not to blame.

It's not your fault.


  1. Thank you for sharing this. I wish my doctor would have made me repeat that as well! I still struggle with guilt - for all of those reasons you listed above - though it is getting better.

  2. I'm glad it's getting better. It's certainly been a struggle for me too.