I never really looked forward to heaven. I wanted to go there...someday...after I had done and seen everything on earth that I wanted to see. But my desire to go to heaven was more because I didn't want to go to hell than because I wanted to go to heaven. I've been a believer for 15 years, but somehow it took losing a child to change my perspective. Heaven is no longer an afterthought for me. It's no longer just a place I want to go someday. Now, it's a longing.
I have someone waiting on me there-someone I can't wait to see. I've thought a lot about heaven in the last two weeks. I wonder if Eden will still be a baby. Will I get to watch her grow up? Or maybe she'll grow up before I get to heaven but then become a baby again when I get there? I don't know all the specifics, but I do know this: somehow, God will fill my empty arms.
I've heard of women who can't be around newborns after they have a miscarriage. I think seeing a baby is just too much of a reminder of their loss. I haven't felt that way at all. Holding babies is therapeutic for me. It's the closest thing on this earth to filling my empty arms. No, I'm not holding my own child. Not yet. But someday I'll get to. Someday, my empty arms will finally be filled by my child who never got to experience the healing touch of her mother. I'm longing for that day-when my arms are filled and our family is complete again.