I think I'm going backwards. We're three weeks out now, but instead of feeling better, this weekend I've felt worse. I don't even know how to explain it. Nothing in particular has caused me to feel down. Nothing specific happened to make me angry. But that's how I feel. I'm just mad. I should be 15 and a half weeks along now. I should be feeling baby move. I should be pulling maternity clothes out of the attic. My baby bump should be growing steadily. Instead, I feel no baby flutters in my stomach, the maternity clothes are unmoved, and that bump hasn't changed. I just keep thinking to myself, "This isn't fair." There are hundreds of babies out there being mistreated by parents who wish they didn't have children. And our baby died. We wanted her, we looked forward to her arrival, but she didn't survive. It's just not right.
I've read about the grief one experiences when they lose a child. I know it's normal to feel anger. I guess I just thought I wouldn't. I'm not mad at God. I'm not mad at pregnant people. I'm not mad at my husband, my family, or my friends. Everyone has been supportive-probably more supportive than I deserve. I guess I'm just angry that it happened. And maybe a little mad at Satan.
This morning at church, we sang "It Is Well With My Soul." At first, I didn't think I could honestly sing the words because I don't feel like everything is well. My heart is broken and feels like it's in more pieces today than it was three weeks ago. But then I realized, it is well with my soul. My soul is still safe in the palm of my Jesus. And so I sang.