Last October, when we lost Eden, I cried a lot. But anytime I felt anger, I buried it. For some reason, I thought it was wrong to be mad at God. After all, it's wrong to question him, isn't it? It's wrong to wonder why he'll give babies freely to some people who end up aborting them and then withhold from people like me. I think I was ashamed of my anger, so I buried it. I didn't talk about it and forced the feelings from my mind. Not something I recommend.
Because eventually, those feelings will resurrect themselves. Mine did this month. I hesitated to write this post because of a fear of judgment. But then I realized, if I'm feeling this much anger, my guess is other people do too. It's due time we stop pretending everything is okay. Plus, I think God can take it. He knows what I'm thinking anyway, so why not share it? Maybe by sharing it, it'll lose some of its force.
I mentioned in an earlier post that I started bleeding about 3 hours after our first positive test. I went in the following Monday for testing and continued going in every week since then. Here's why I'm mad. God didn't have to allow me to see a positive test. If I wouldn't have seen a positive test, I never would have known I lost another baby. And He didn't have to allow my hormone levels to keep going up for three weeks. As every week passed, I became more and more hopeful. And more and more attached. I know it's pointless to ask why, but I can't help but wonder why God didn't spare me some pain. I know He's big enough. I know He's able. I just don't understand why he seemed to ignore all of my pleas for help. I don't understand why a God of love wouldn't make himself more apparent.
A friend of mine who recently went through a miscarriage said this, "I think God doesn't think I'll be a good mom. That's why he's not letting me have any children." It makes me mad that she has to go through that kind of pain. It makes me mad that God isn't fixing it for her. It makes me mad that her heart is broken. And it makes me mad that I sometimes wonder similar things. So God, make it right. Fix our hearts. Heal our anger. I know you can. And I'm choosing to believe you will.
I think for Christians who see abuse, abortion, etc., it's so hard not to be angry - why would a loving God who loves children more than we ever could let those people have them and take ours from us. I don't have an answer, but one thing I did learn in my recent struggle came from Job. Job asked God "why," and God never answered. Instead, God showed Job is might and power through creation, and never once answered the question. IN the end, Job fell down in worship. God is God, and for that reason, He has an ultimate plan we can never see or understand, and we must just trust that utlimately, he is good. And it's OK to feel angry too. You're right, He can handle it.
ReplyDeleteI love this! Your words relate to me so much. Its so hard to not be mad, to question God and his reasons. I had a mom at work tell me recently that she has had more abortions than she can count. I was in awe, I wasn't mad at her, but I was mad at God for not sharing one of those aborted babies with me, with us, with so many of the women out there who would love to have a baby. I like your friend thought God was not allowing me to get pregnant because he thought I would be a bad mom. I thought that since my mom abused me that maybe God was worried that I would be a bad mom to my children and cause them pain. I really searched inside my being and thought could I imagine hitting my child, could I yell at them, could I call them mean names? I couldn't imagine it for even one second.
ReplyDeleteI think being honest with God in having anger towards him is healthy. If God already knows my thoughts and my heart thank he knows I am mad at him, he knows my struggles and getting them out allowed me the time to let them go even if for a few minutes it was nice to vent or even yell at him. I cried and told him that he was so unfair!
I believe in Gods goodness, I read bible verses that tell stories of God healing so many and I can only pray that God will place his healing hands on us and bring us peace and joy.