Last October, when we lost Eden, I cried a lot. But anytime I felt anger, I buried it. For some reason, I thought it was wrong to be mad at God. After all, it's wrong to question him, isn't it? It's wrong to wonder why he'll give babies freely to some people who end up aborting them and then withhold from people like me. I think I was ashamed of my anger, so I buried it. I didn't talk about it and forced the feelings from my mind. Not something I recommend.
Because eventually, those feelings will resurrect themselves. Mine did this month. I hesitated to write this post because of a fear of judgment. But then I realized, if I'm feeling this much anger, my guess is other people do too. It's due time we stop pretending everything is okay. Plus, I think God can take it. He knows what I'm thinking anyway, so why not share it? Maybe by sharing it, it'll lose some of its force.
I mentioned in an earlier post that I started bleeding about 3 hours after our first positive test. I went in the following Monday for testing and continued going in every week since then. Here's why I'm mad. God didn't have to allow me to see a positive test. If I wouldn't have seen a positive test, I never would have known I lost another baby. And He didn't have to allow my hormone levels to keep going up for three weeks. As every week passed, I became more and more hopeful. And more and more attached. I know it's pointless to ask why, but I can't help but wonder why God didn't spare me some pain. I know He's big enough. I know He's able. I just don't understand why he seemed to ignore all of my pleas for help. I don't understand why a God of love wouldn't make himself more apparent.
A friend of mine who recently went through a miscarriage said this, "I think God doesn't think I'll be a good mom. That's why he's not letting me have any children." It makes me mad that she has to go through that kind of pain. It makes me mad that God isn't fixing it for her. It makes me mad that her heart is broken. And it makes me mad that I sometimes wonder similar things. So God, make it right. Fix our hearts. Heal our anger. I know you can. And I'm choosing to believe you will.