In January, I trusted God to save our baby. I read verses that said, "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be open to you," and I believed God would answer my prayers. I asked for a miracle; I trusted he would provide one.
Then he didn't. And I began to wonder if God was trustworthy. In my core, I knew he was. But for some reason, I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of a loving God ignoring my requests and allowing us to experience a second miscarriage.
I'm starting to learn that I didn't really trust God back then. I said I did, and I thought I did. But I didn't.
I trusted him to save my baby. I trusted him to take care of me. But I didn't trust HIM. I wrapped my trust in conditions. If God enabled us to have a healthy child . . . If God prevented any more miscarriages . . . If God comforted me when I needed it . . . What I failed to think about was, what if he didn't?
Real trust is not about believing God will do something for you. Real trust is admitting that even if he doesn't, he is still good. Even if he doesn't save your child, he's still good. Even if he doesn't answer your prayer, he's still worth following.
Keith and I have started thinking about when we want to try for another baby. But there's one thing holding me back: I don't know how to trust God anymore. I can't honestly say that I trust him to provide us with a healthy child because I'm learning that he might not. I guess maybe trusting God isn't that specific. Maybe instead of trusting God to provide a healthy baby, I should be trusting that even if he doesn't, he still loves me. Trust is, after all, about a person, not a circumstance.
*Please keep me in prayer over the next week. Eden's due date is next week, April 27th.