Monday, October 18, 2010

My Greatest Fear

People have been wonderful these past few days-facebook messages, emails, visits, calls, hugs, cards, meals. The outpouring of love is almost overwhelming. I'm dreading the day it all stops.

Because I'm afraid everyone will forget. There's a part of me that wants life to get back to normal. I don't want to cry every day. I don't want to lie awake all night long, following the wanderings of my mind. But then another part of me doesn't want to move on. Because I think that if I move on and stop thinking about our loss, Eden's memory will die. That scares me. I know I'll never forget about her, but I think everyone else will. April 27th will just be any other day to them. October 15th won't mean anything. To me, these days are forever etched into my memory: one as the day my baby was supposed to be in my arms, and the other as the day her body left the comfort of my womb.

Some people have asked me if they can do anything to help. A couple of days ago, I didn't know the answer to that question. Now I do: remember her. When April comes around, don't forget about the baby that was supposed to be in our arms. And next year, on October 15th, tell me you still remember. Her body is gone. I don't want her memory to die too.


  1. Remember your husband is grieving for the loss in his own way. He was still trying to get used to the idea of having another baby, when you both lost the baby. The one thing that you did have that he never will with Eden is you did get to hold, protect and you DID your part. He won't get that chance until we all go to heaven... You will move on and so will everybody else, but... the people who are most important to you will NEVER forget Eden. Your baby... I pray healing for you physically... and mentally and emotionally for you both! It will happen with time, but Eden won't be forgotten. I still remember the dates as well and so does Matthew. God bless you and your family. Tiffany

  2. I don't know if you are aware of this, but October 15 is International Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. A lot of cities have special memorial services around that time, or Walks to Remember. Last year, October 15th meant nothing to me. But this year, its a day set aside to specifically remember our baby and all the other who left this earth too soon. So I just want you to know that next year on October 15th, I'll be adding Eden to my list of babies to remember.

  3. Tiffany, you're right. Guys do grieve in completely different ways than women. And Sheyenne, I saw that on your blog. Kind of like a blessing in disguise-now, when I'm grieving on Oct 15, I know lots of other families will be as well.