I've always been a people-pleaser at my core. I love making people happy and hate causing a stir. That's why I have been hesitant to write this post. It's something that a year ago, I wouldn't have agreed with. Nonetheless, life changed my perspective about a few things. This topic just happens to be a big one: God's plan in the midst of suffering.
I used to think God had a specific plan for my life. I thought he orchestrated things in such a way that only what he chose beforehand happened to me. If he didn't orchestrate it, it didn't happen. Sure, occasionally, he might allow something bad into my life. But I always thought he had control of it. I always thought it was somehow a part of his plan.
Then we miscarried. Three times in a year.
People starting saying things to me like, "You just have to trust God's plan. He knows what he's doing." And though their statements were meant to encourage, they instead led me to question God's love for me. If this is something he wanted to happen to me, how can I possibly continue to believe he loves me?
Now, I admit I could be wrong. And someday, God might explain to me how three miscarriages were part of his plan. How they were good for me. But right now, I just don't think that's how God works anymore. I don't think he has a specific plan for my life, more of a general direction instead. I think he'll use any circumstance in my life if I allow him to (including these miscarriages), and I think he is capable of stepping in at any time and changing a situation. But I don't think he planned this pain for me. I don't think this was EVER something he intended.
Do I need to trust God? Absolutely-more now than ever. But do I need to trust that this was a part of his plan? Right now, after a year of crying, I just can't accept that this pain was ever something God wanted for me.