I've always been a people-pleaser at my core. I love making people happy and hate causing a stir. That's why I have been hesitant to write this post. It's something that a year ago, I wouldn't have agreed with. Nonetheless, life changed my perspective about a few things. This topic just happens to be a big one: God's plan in the midst of suffering.
I used to think God had a specific plan for my life. I thought he orchestrated things in such a way that only what he chose beforehand happened to me. If he didn't orchestrate it, it didn't happen. Sure, occasionally, he might allow something bad into my life. But I always thought he had control of it. I always thought it was somehow a part of his plan.
Then we miscarried. Three times in a year.
People starting saying things to me like, "You just have to trust God's plan. He knows what he's doing." And though their statements were meant to encourage, they instead led me to question God's love for me. If this is something he wanted to happen to me, how can I possibly continue to believe he loves me?
Now, I admit I could be wrong. And someday, God might explain to me how three miscarriages were part of his plan. How they were good for me. But right now, I just don't think that's how God works anymore. I don't think he has a specific plan for my life, more of a general direction instead. I think he'll use any circumstance in my life if I allow him to (including these miscarriages), and I think he is capable of stepping in at any time and changing a situation. But I don't think he planned this pain for me. I don't think this was EVER something he intended.
Do I need to trust God? Absolutely-more now than ever. But do I need to trust that this was a part of his plan? Right now, after a year of crying, I just can't accept that this pain was ever something God wanted for me.
Thoughts?
Lindsey, I can't imagine your pain and heartache. I want to wrap you in my arms & make the pain go away because I'm sure words, not even God's words, bring much comfort right now. Keep writing; I believe it's the best therapy.
ReplyDeleteYou're in my prayers. *hugs*
Totally agree with you. Growing up in the Church, I always heard people saying that God has a plan for your life and that everything happens for a reason. For whatever reason, I interpreted that as God having my entire life planned out - good, bad, whatever. That's easy to believe when you're young, naive, and haven't experienced the really crappy parts of life or seen your friends and family suffer. I think that we want to believe that because it makes us feel better and makes it easier to believe that things are always going to get better.
ReplyDeleteAs I've gotten older and actually experienced life and seen all the suffering, hurting, and evil in the world though, my point of view has definitely shifted. I still believe that God is always in control and He can do what He wants, when He wants, and that He knows what is going to happen and what we are going to experience. I don't believe, however, that everything we experience is because God caused it to happen for a reason or just to see how much suffering we can take.
I think that there are some instances where He tests us and allows us to experience difficulties, but we have more of a purpose than just to be God's puppets or entertainment.
Ultimately, I believe that God hurts when we hurt because He cares for us more than we know, but He can use any situation for good and as a way to teach us and help us grow - whether it's the really crappy stuff that's out of our control or things that happen as a result of our poor choices. What I forget a lot of times is that God IS good and my definition of good tends to be fairly self-centered.
I can't begin to imagine the pain that you guys are feeling, but hang in there. Pain and suffering can be overwhelming, but don't let that be what defines you.
PS - sorry for the long comment. Didn't realize it was going to be that long.
ReplyDeleteMerrie and Tim, Thank you for your words. And Tim, no worries about being a long comment. It was encouraging to know I'm not the only one who thinks these things:)
ReplyDeleteHi Lindsey,
ReplyDeleteI have a written a comment, but it's really long and won't let me post it here. I'll send you an email.
Hugs,
Kristen
Thanks, Kristen. Sorry it wouldn't let you post it here. I'll look forward to getting the email.
ReplyDeleteLindsey,
ReplyDeleteI feel almost exactly like you do. My husband and I just had our second miscarriage. We are so sad. I cannot stop crying. Last time I was able to really focus on my faith and it pulled me through, but this time I feel very angry and bitter towards God. Im so mad at him and don't understand his will. People keep telling me the same thing that when the timing is right God will allow it to happen. Those words crushed me even more, my mind racing at the fact that it wasn't the right time so God just took our baby. I feel horrible for being mad at God, I so need him right now, I need him to hold me and to carry me. I need to feel his presence and know that it will be ok. Its just so hard to do.
I have always believed in God since I was a young child. My life was horribly hard, but I followed God and God placed me in the best hands possible. I was able to overcome my upbringing and amongst all odds am successful and strong in my faith.
It is really hard though to know that God loves me after this. I cannot stop thinking about my childhood, and now my future without this baby.
I cant imagine how hard it must have been for you to have lost three babies this year. You are in my prayers. You are loved, Im so thankful I found your post today. I wish you the very best.
Andrea
Andrea, I'm reading your blog now and crying with you. My heart aches as I read your words. I'll write a longer comment on your blog...
ReplyDelete